Tapashi Rabeya’s only son, Sam, is 17 years old, but because he started school early, he will be leaving their New York City home in late summer to attend college in Buffalo, about seven hours away. For Rabeya, a divorced single mother who immigrated from Small Heath, England, some 18 years ago, Sam’s move marks not only the beginning of her life as an empty nester, but also her first time living on her own. While she is excited about her son’s friends, experiences and opportunities – “I’m going to live through him instead,” she says – she is also anxious about the changes that are about to take place.
“The closer you get, the more daunting it becomes,” Rabea says. “I try not to think about myself too much, but I feel like there’s a big, empty hole in my chest. He’s the only child I have. I put every single thing into him.”
As graduation ceremonies get underway and young people head off to college or other new adventures far from home, parents like Rabeya are experiencing what clinical psychologist Monica Vermani calls an “emotional roller coaster.
“Empty nest syndrome is real,” she says, explaining that many parents “feel lost” when their role as primary caregiver changes and the children who have depended on them for survival for so long no longer need that level of support.
“You spend so much time and energy being a parent that you do lose part of your personality, and you do lose part of your connection to your partner,” Vermaine added. “I’ll feel that change when your child goes to school, and well, I’ve stopped giving myself to this child and helped them develop the value of self-sufficiency, and now I don’t know what I’d be without them.”
Trust that your child is ready
Given this instinctive caregiving role, it’s only natural for parents to worry not only about the uncertainty of their own future, but also about the challenges their children may face. While Vermani points out that modern life has many advantages – such as technology meaning your child is just a text message or FaceTime call away, no matter how far away – the pandemic and recent social upheaval have added a layer of complexity to, for example standard issues such as getting good grades or making new friends. Are they safe? What’s their mental health status? What kind of future is on the horizon?
As parents, it’s important to provide support when needed, rather than trying to control everything. A little trust goes a long way.
“It’s always a tough situation for parents,” Velmani says. “We’re raising these kids who are dependent on us for survival, and now they want to be individuals independent of us. So it’s also about us cutting the cord, working on our own anxieties and believing that we’ve provided the tools and the skills and values of our children that they can be good people who contribute to society and live their own lives. As parents, we must always remember that our children are in our company and we provide them with the tools and skills to be good people.”
Vered DeLeeuw, a two-time empty nester with two daughters in college, recalls a quote from British child psychologist Penelope Leach’s book on parenting to the effect that “As a parent, your job is to get yourself out of the way – -slowly.”
It’s an emotion DeLeeuw has always found “powerful. But while she wasn’t worried about her oldest daughter preparing for college life on the other side of the country, it was the young woman’s absence that left DeLeeuw struggling with anxiety and a “deep sadness” in the months after the move. She remembers shedding tears every time she passed by her daughter’s empty room.
“When a child moves out, you lose a part of yourself,” DeLeeuw says.
As time went on, however, she began to adjust to her daughter’s absence. “People are more resilient than they think they are,” DeLeeuw said. She says that while she expected to experience these emotions again when her youngest daughter left for college – officially cementing her and her husband as empty nesters – it proved to be an “easier ” transition.
Adapting to a new role
The loss of the long-standing role of caregiver can cause many parents to panic. But Vermani sees this as an opportunity to reconnect with yourself and make the most of your newfound time. It may involve traveling, volunteering, changing careers or pursuing a passion that was put on hold as a precedent for raising children. For DeLeeuw, having time to reconnect with her husband is a “relief,” and she can now accompany him on business trips that she missed for years because of her responsibilities at home.
Although Rabeya is single, she found a new friendship before her son started school: her first roommate who is not a family member. “We spent our teenage years on the couch – something I’ve never experienced in my life,” she marvels about renting out rooms to flight attendants in her New York City home. In addition to her new company, she has a new venture. Rabea recently opened Mixed Vintage Consignment Shop in Brooklyn, which she sees as an exciting use of the energy and time of empty nesters.
“I’ve given birth to what I feel is a whole new baby,” she says.
Seeking Support
Life as an empty nester can be exciting – but like any change, it can be daunting. vermani says it’s important to give yourself forgiveness if parents are having a difficult time during this time.
“Be kind to yourself,” she says. “Your feelings are common, and you shouldn’t feel guilty, embarrassed or weak because of them. Feelings of sadness and anxiety are completely normal during this transitional phase of life.”
She suggests that support groups for empty nesters may be helpful, but parents who feel overwhelmed by feelings of grief or anxiety should consider seeking out a mental health professional.
Keep in touch from afar
Planning family outings or one-on-one get-togethers before your child leaves home is a great way to make some connections and make the most of the time left, although parents should keep in mind that their children may also have social responsibilities for friends they want to attend.
Once school starts, Vermani suggests finding a way to stay connected without being overbearing. Weekly check-ins give parents something to look forward to and hopefully quell the urge to keep calling. She also recommends that parents avoid following their children’s social media feeds. Parents should make it clear that their youngsters can be supported as they begin this new chapter, while also respecting their independence and self-reliance.
“Let them build this new phase of their lives the way they want to,” Velmani said. “Take the lead. Let them tell you how much or how little support they need.
“Enjoy and take pride in watching your child move forward in life,” she adds. “Remember how important this ever-changing stage of life is to you and show your child that you have confidence in their abilities – enough confidence to give them the autonomy and freedom to grow and thrive in their new roles and daily lives. “