In recent weeks, abortion has become a top concern for Americans as Roe v. Wade, the Supreme Court’s landmark 1973 decision protecting the right to abortion in the United States, was overturned.
For many people across the country, this new decision has immediate implications, as many states have enacted trigger laws that immediately ban abortion. For others, it is a deeply personal reminder of their experience.
People who may become pregnant will have abortions due to a variety of circumstances, and some will have children before or after the procedure. As the discussion about abortion unfolds nationwide, parents who have had abortions may ask, should you tell your children about your abortion history?
If you have an abortion, should you tell your child?
Roberta “Bobbi” Ballard, a psychologist from Atlanta, Georgia, is the mother of one child. When her daughter, now 23, was 5 years old, she had an abortion. Ballard recalls the story she shared with her daughter when she was in high school.
“I told my daughter when she was a teenager that I had an abortion,” she recalls. “I think she was 16 or 17 years old.”
“I decided to reveal it to her in the context of talking about sex and birth control,” Ballard explains. “I told her the truth: Her father and I had decided we didn’t want any more children, and when my birth control – the pill – failed and I got pregnant, I chose to have an abortion. I wanted her to know because it was part of my history, and I felt she was old enough to handle it.”
Ballards wants to remove the stigma of abortion because she sees it as health care, not a moral or political issue.
“As a therapist, I’m not good at working with women who are dealing with abortion or raising teenagers, but I certainly have clients in those categories,” she says. “A lot of the decision-making about whether – and how – to disclose an abortion to your child depends on the individual. There is no one right answer.”
If you’re not ready to talk to your child about past abortions, that’s okay
While Ballard was relieved to share with a daughter who had been identified as pro-choice, other parents said the conversation felt a bit daunting.
April Lisbon, a psychologist, is the mother of three children; two sons and a daughter. Lisbon said she had two abortions when she was young. While it has always been a painful memory for her, she feels fortunate to have had a second chance to build a better life for herself and her future family.
“My first child was with a known drug dealer in his community,” she says. “The other was a college student like me. These abortions were less than six months apart. It’s been a long journey of recovery over the years, and so far, I haven’t told my children.”
Because her children are still young, ranging in age from 8 to 16, Lisbon says she hasn’t felt it was time to open up to them about her past experiences. As her oldest son gets closer to going off to college on his own, she feels it’s time to open up about her abortion experience.
“I don’t want him to be afraid of the possibility of having sex and getting a girl pregnant,” she says. “I want him to feel comfortable telling me about his fears while I share my own with him. Then we would work out a plan that would be in his and this young lady’s best interest: I hoped it wouldn’t be his story, but then, I never thought it would be mine either.”
Lisbon said that while many people have preconceived notions about the abortion process, experiencing it firsthand is a completely different story. “A lot of times, people think abortion is an easy decision. That’s not the case,” Lisbon shared. “It was an extremely lonely experience …… I still grieve for my angels and wonder what life would have been like if my situation had been different. But, I choose not to think about them because I had a second chance. I know it was the best decision for me to make at the right time.”
Emma Gordon, a California business owner, agrees that timing is an important part of the decision-making process when disclosing a history of abortion to a child. When Gordon became pregnant shortly after the birth of her second child, she and her partner made the choice that it would be best for their family if they did not proceed with the pregnancy.
“I still have a [baby] that I’m taking care of,” she recalls. “She can barely even crawl, and it would be the craziest to try to raise a 6-month-old baby and have pregnancy hormones flooding my body. I didn’t tell my kids about it because they were still teenagers and hadn’t had a chance to bring it up.”
While she hasn’t shared her personal story, Gordon says she makes sure there are age-appropriate conversations about sexual health in her home. “I teach my daughter sex education and try to keep our relationship as free as possible so she doesn’t hide something as sensitive as pregnancy from me, if that happens,” she said. “I don’t plan on ever just calling [my kids] and divulging secrets, but I’ll definitely open up to them if I need to.”
A therapist talks to a child about abortion
Dawn Friedman is a therapist in Columbus, Ohio, who specializes in helping people going through pregnancy crises who are considering their options. She tells Yahoo Life that every situation is different and sharing that experience is as much a personal decision as the procedure itself.
“I don’t have advice about whether someone should tell their child, but I support parents in figuring out if they want to and, if so, how,” Friedman said. “I don’t think we’re obligated to share our sexual or reproductive history with our children, but I support parents who do want to find a way to talk about it with their children.”
In her work as a therapist, Friedman helps guide families about what works best for them and how they interact with their children. “We explore what they want their children to understand about their past,” she says. “Do they want them to understand that they have choices? Understand that ordinary people often face difficult choices? That we all have the right to make our own best decisions? Is their goal to eliminate the stigma around abortion or unwanted pregnancies? Is it to support a child who is going through or may be going through something similar? Discussing this helps us figure out how and when they might want to talk about it.
Friedman says her service can also help parents who want to discuss their feelings about the story and not feel shame so they can process their experience before sharing it with their child. Ultimately, no matter what the experience is, sharing it with anyone – including children – has many different elements and should always be an option.
Lisbon shared that despite her difficult experience, she does not judge herself or others who wish to share their stories. “At the end of the day,” she says, “I believe only you can determine what works best for you in your own situation.”
“No one should make you feel less than because of your decision to terminate a pregnancy or give birth,” she adds. “The only person who can judge you is you.”